If The World Didn't Suck, We'd All Fall Off

1. If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
2. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it's gone.    
3. If snow is made of water and water has no calories, why are snowmen fat?
4. Why are they called hemorrhoids? They should be called asteroids.
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. The older you get, the more your birthday cake resembles a prairie fire.
7. You can't have everything... where would you put it?
8. Never…Ever, combine sleeping pills and laxatives on the same night.
9. You spend the first 2 years teaching your children to walk and talk, then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
10. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
11. If you ate pasta followed by antipasta, would you still be hungry?
12. Yeah, about those board games...there's no such thing as fun for the whole family.
13. I ate natural foods until I learned most people die of natural causes.
14. I was drinking at the bar and took a bus home; may not sound like much to you, but it was the fist time I ever drove a bus.
15. The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
16. Is the alphabet in that order because of the song?
17. Marriage is a 3-ring circus…engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
18. It’s a proven fact that insanity is hereditary; parents get it from their kids.
19. Life is like a box of chocolates; sometimes it makes you sick.
20. If a man has a hole in his pocket, does he feel cocky?
21. Man: "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" Guy: "Everybody."
22. A psychiatrist tells his patient he’s crazy, so the patient insisted on a second opinion….the psychiatrist says ok, “You’re ugly too.”
23. “We always pray before we eat; we’re not religious, my wife just can’t cook.”
24. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
25. If you let a smile be your umbrella, you’ll get a mouthful of rain.