Couldn't Have Said It Better

1. It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
2. I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.....?
3. Love is like a booger; you keep picking at it...Then you get it and wonder what to do with it.
4. Never take life seriously...Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. If Barbie is so popular…Why do we have to buy her friends?
6. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains...Perfect, the average man can see better than he can thinks.
7. Plan to be spontaneous…tomorrow.
8. Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
9. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
10. He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
11. Love doesn't mean saying you're sorry...It means explaining why you're sorry.
12. Would a fly without wings be considered a walk?
13. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on it?
14. I avoid buttering my bread...I consider that cooking.
15. A synonym is a word used when you can't spell the original word you were thinking of.
16. Don’t ask Johnny...He looks about as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
17. Man it’s cold...My nose is snottier than a frog in a blender.
18. Always borrow money from a pessimist….They never expect you to pay them back.
19. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! 
20. What’s the speed of dark?